Online Dating

Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

Escaped Convict

Thursday, June 21st, 2007

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

First Visit

Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

“We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.

“I’m sure we´ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.

“If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.”

“Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.

God’s Gifts

Monday, June 18th, 2007

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

“It’s a very handy thing” God told the couple, “and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty.”

Adam jumped up and blurted “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please.”

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

“Fine”, God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. “What’s left here?” “Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms.”

Murphy’s Law

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

• Whenever I find the key to success…someone changes the lock.
• To err is human…to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
• The road to success…is always under construction.
• Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems…but if you think again, neither does Milk.
• In order to get a loan…you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
• All the desirable things in life are illegal, expensive or fattening.
• Since light travels faster than sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
• Everyone has a scheme of getting rich…which never works.
• If at first you don’t succeed…destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
• As soon as you mention something…if it is good, it is taken; if it is bad, it happens.
• If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late, the bus is still late.
• Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
• When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
• The day you skp a class, the professor will take attendance.
• You will pick up the maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
• The doorbell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
• Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.


Girls Night Out

Sunday, June 3rd, 2007

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.”

“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’


Close
E-mail It
Socialized through Gregarious 42