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Archive for the 'Jokes' Category

Two Parrots…

Friday, July 27th, 2007

A woman went to her priest with a problem. “Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” exclaimed the priest. “But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?”

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed “Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!”


When girls drink too much, they…

Tuesday, July 24th, 2007

1. …have absolutely no idea where their purse is.

2. …believe that dancing with their arms overhead and wiggling their butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. …’ve suddenly decided that they want to kick someone’s butt and honestly believe they could do it to o.

4. …In their last trip to pee, they realize that they now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess they were just four hours ago

5. …start crying and telling everyone they see that they love them sooooo much.

6. … get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because “oh my god! I love this song!”

7. …’ve found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to them.

8. …’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

9. …yell at the bartender, who they believe cheated them by giving them just lemonade, but that’s just because they can no longer taste the vodka.

10. …think they are in bed, but their pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)

11. …fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when they sit on it.

12. …take their shoes off because they believe it’s their fault that they’re having problems walking straight.

Tough Interview

Thursday, July 5th, 2007

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?”

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. “I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package.”

“Hmm,” says the interviewer. “Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?”

The engineer gapes and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

“Yeah,” replies the interviewer, “but you started it.”

Which One Are You?

Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late.

“Great, just great”, I moaned.

The driver opened his door, leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, “I am not happy.”

To which I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”

Buying Wedding Vows

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”


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